How to wear your undies in style in 2010

Lauren Bravo writes.
Fashion folk have a great deal of influence, let’s admit it. It’s an admirable feat, the way they can get together, season after season, and persuade us our lives will be significantly enhanced if we only wear velvet pantaloons. Or clogs. Or weave our own hair into a sou’wester.

They do a far better job of earning our trust and discipleship than most politicians. “You know what would look really great?” they say, “a parka covered in sequins.” “Don’t be ridiculous,” we reply. Then three months later, as if out of nowhere, we suddenly think, “Hmm. I’d really like a sequinned parka. In fact, I’d love a sequinned parka. In FACT, I’m not sure how I ever got by without one.”

But they are not infallible. Sometimes, quite regularly in fact, they fail to convince us. There are those trends that seem to resurface in the catwalk reports year, and every year we ignore them. Midi skirts are one. Crimped hair is another. Tuxedos, jodhpurs, dark purple lipstick. Wide-legged jeans have had a good stab at it, but despite the fash pack’s best efforts they’re still being suppressed by the almighty power of the skinny. And then there’s my favourite, the trend they’ve been pushing since Madonna first hoisted herself into the bullet bra: Underwear as Outerwear.

Perhaps I’ve just crossed over and joined the ranks of the optimistic style writers, but I actually think 2010 might be the year this trend sticks. It’s been gathering speed for a while – there were Sienna’s big pants, back in 2007, which didn’t win many fans but did at least keep her kidneys warm. Then Lady Gaga took the look and ran with it, realising that the key to successfully going out in your knicks is to wear something stupid on your head as a distraction.

Meanwhile, everyone from Rhianna to Taylor Momsen has been snapped with their stockings and suspenders on show. And embellished bustiers are working their way seductively onto the high street, as a stylish update on the old lacy-bra-under-a-white-shirt getup so beloved of glamour models. So far, so saucy. But, and we all know this is the acid test, can we get away with the underwear trend in the queue at Tesco? Without being shielded behind the anorak of a concerned pensioner?

I believe it boils down to three basic guidelines:

1. Make it look intentional.
The reason Sienna’s tights-and-spanx combo failed was because it didn’t look like a deliberate outfit choice. It looked like someone had stolen her skirt, potentially a bully after a PE lesson. If the pants had been sequinned, or gold, or had ‘Diva’ written across the cheeks in diamantes, we would have known she was serious and it all would have been ok.

2. Know your audience.
This trend is a rarity among high fashion crazes, in that men like it. Of course they do, you’re wearing your bra in Wetherspoons. Whether this matters to you or not is naturally dependent on your relationship status, orientation, level of strident feminism and ability to take as good as you get when walking past building sites – but still, it’s something to be considered. Personally I’d advise that on male-centric occasions (particularly those featuring Dads, uncles, bosses or bank managers) you forgo the whalebone corset for something more demure. Like a lacy slip that might be a dress or might be a nightie. Or long johns.

3. Don’t skimp.
For those of you thinking “EXCELLENT, I already own underwear! What a recession-friendly trend!” I’m afraid I have to burst your bargainous bubble. Greying M&S scanties do not fulfil the fashion brief (pun intended). The trick to this look is that while it sells itself as underwear, it isn’t really underwear like any mortal ever wears. It needs to be spangled, or showgirly or structured within an inch of its life. So unless you’re Dita Von Teese or Jessica Rabbit, you’re going to need to buy new things. Sorry.

So there we are, let me know how you get on. And if you can’t cope with flashing your undies, there’s always the woven hair hat to try. I’m off to buy a sequinned parka. Goodbye.