Holidays are coming! How to get the most out of pre-vacation beauty

I grew up religious, and as such, enjoy preparation, fasts, feasts and ritual anointment. And nearly all of these practices can be observed, should you wish, during holiday preparation. Holiday prep is the ultimate Lent. Forget Jesus, in the desert, having a crappy old time of it – this is you, having a fabulous time in the run up to your trip to the desert, or beach. Observing every element of the festival will leave you broke and might well cost more than the holiday – but if you’re prone to pre hol panic, one or two well chosen bits of fine tuning will leave you feeling more like Jade Jagger and less “Oh no, where’s my hand luggage bag?”er. It’s better than wildly spunking major dollar on DVT socks and malaria pills in the run up to your coach trip to Dieppe.

One of the most cheering pre vacation treats you can give yourself is a professional pedicure. My first pedicure was a traumatic, terrifying experience. A woman who looked not unlike He Man and who claimed to have starred in a reality show about salons delivered the sort of ritually humiliating experience that some people in Soho charge an enormous amount of money for. “WHY ARE YOU NOT ENJOYING YOUR RELAXING MASSAGE?” she shouted, as she crunched her foot as if her hands were teeth and my toes were Hula Hoops. “WHY ARE YOU CRYING?”

I did not go back.

However, I always wondered if it were possible to get pretty feet without experiencing years of PTSD – and you can, at The Debbie Thomas Collective (Hari’s Salon, 305 Brompton Road, London. Luxury pedicure from £59). The therapists do more to put you at your ease than a new boyfriend’s mum who looks into your eyes and sees grandchildren. As well as the standard scented scrubbing and exfoliating, there’s an amazing paraffin treatment which sorts out any dry skin or manky heel business. Choose the gel polish – it doesn’t chip and it dries straight away, so you don’t have to walk around Kensington in flip flops pretending you just got back from Dubai.

You might be horrified by the idea of a pre holiday facial- “Dude, I could get SEVEN FISH BOWLS and a plate of patatas bravas for what that costs in Euros!” but if you’re like Elfine from Cold Comfort Farm at a dress fitting, or like me, you’ll take to the idea “like a swan bathing in foam” because you spend your life looking for excuses to get people to pour lovely products on to you. A holiday facial should make everything smooth, cleansed and glowing, lessening the opportunity to spots to burst forth the second you get in the sun, and it irons your face out a bit, so you feel like you’re on holiday before you actually go on holiday. The Elemis Skin Booster facial (£45 for 30 minutes, department stores nationwide) does all of these things – and they sit you in a magical massage chair, so everything is loose and holiday ready. It’s timed to take place within a lunch hour, so you don’t have to feel guilty about using time that was earmarked for writing handover notes or washing pants or switching off every single plug socket in the house. It delivers the holiday experience so effectively that if you’re time and cash poor, you could get away with booking one instead of a holiday. And if you’re really, really REALLY busy, the Radical Skincare Instant Revitalising mask (£40, Space NK) is basically the closest product to a facial in a bottle and it only takes three minutes. You will not go un-radiant.

It’s a divisive subject, but I am a big advocate of holiday pre lash. Semi permanent lashes sound like a faff, but they minimise mascara faffing – and melting – when you’re away. If you plan on a lot of underwater swimming, they might not be for you, but if you’re a little lazier – say, the sort of person who goes to Barcelona and decides their favourite thing isn’t the beach or the abundance of Gaudi, but, erm, room service – then spending an hour lying down in the dark having tiny bits of hair glued to your face will prove a rewarding experience. Browhaus (19a Floral Street, London, WC2E 9DS) will do this for £40, and if you look after them properly they’ll last for a fortnight. Anything near your eyes takes a bit of getting used to, but once you’ve stopped nervously touching your browbone and holding your palm to your face as if trying to trap a butterfly, you’ll be able to go properly low maintenance – I left all the eye themed cosmetics at home and didn’t miss them. And when you’re home, you can go for a £10 tune up – you might be broke, wet, cold and in emotional hock to some tequila slamming cad named Roberto, but you can keep fluttering forever.

You may or may not wish to wax or be spray tanned – I do, and do, but they’re sizeable subjects and I’m running out of space (one day I shall write an epic love letter to East London’s Hula Nails, who do both of these things magnificently, but they are the Elizabeth Taylor of salons and my words need to sparkle with the ardor of the contents of a thousand Cartier boxes) but once you are out there, in the sun, in Factor 70 and under a big hat, I recommend the lavish and joyful application of Gatineau’s Tan Accelerator (£34 for 250ml, online). It’s great for keeping beach blown skin silky and hydrated, as well as reducing the redness of an arm that was stretched out in the full glare of the sun and reaching for the Aperol Spritz.